我累了

First thing I noticed this morning was my swell eyes. When I went to school, some of my friends asked me why was my eyes so sore. I replied them with a smile and said that I lack of sleep. Hah, what a lie.

Choir club is going to close down next year.

Actually I got to know this news quite some time dy. Didn't know that it would hurt that much.

Not bad mah, my eyes already so small dy. There are still people that could see that my eyes are sore. Hah, what is that word in Chinese again? Yup, 肿.

I don't want to know about the real hidden reason that the school is closing us down, but the reason they gave me was that my club lack of 'ahli active'. What the? We need 30 ahli active to continue on the club.

Don't act like you know more than me.
Don't act like you care about the club more than I do.

I admit, I was so innocent thinking that managing a club would be easy and simple. I always though that being a president means leading a group of people, having good relationship with your team members and planning some real good and fun program. Turn out that I was wrong. It's more than that.

I always think that not having enough 'ahli active' is not a problem. I thought that maybe other people aren't interested in singing and that if I have done my own job properly, people would know and see that I'm actually capable of doing something and that I'm actually good. So I'm kinda a failure huh?

TeckKiong was right today in computer lesson. I told him about this problem. And he said that it's the president fault. After hearing he said that, I stood up and walked out from the computer room. Deep inside I know that TeckKiong is right. I knew it really is my fault. But can't I just not hear it for now?

Some friends knew about this matter and had came to asked me if I was all right. I really wanted to said that "NO, I'M NOT ALL RIGHT". And then fall into their arms and cry as much as I want. But I'm not a kid anymore. And I had cried so much last night. Seeing that my friends caring about me makes me want to cry even more. It was a really hard time hanging out at school.

I'm really scare right now. I also tried to keep myself busy all the time, coz if I have the time to stop and really think about what's really happening, I'm afraid that I'll break down and cry again.

I really don't know what to do right now. Should I continue and find 30 members or should I just let it be?

In a very blank state right now. It this a dead end?

Really want to hit my head with a stick until I'm unconscious. Maybe that way I'll get an answer.